Falling Out
by Aurora077
Summary: At least I knew all about falling in love. It was the falling out that I couldn't manage. — Olive Senior


Title: Falling out

Summary: At least I knew all about falling in love. It was the falling out that I couldn't manage.

—

Olive Senior

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot.

She couldn't say when it started happening. There wasn't any catalyst. One day she woke up and just realised it was. Or rather, she wasn't. In love anymore that is.

He was one of her dearest friends. Somehow she had long stopped thinking of him as more than that. She didn't know what she was thinking when they had started their relationship. They had never quite meshed. Their personalities clashed at every level. All of their friends wondered how they happened and how they even worked. There was always some sort of tension between them. Though none of their friends would have ever deemed it romantic. It seems she was finally starting to understand that, in fact, they didn't work.

As for how it happened, well she rather thought she could finally answer it truthfully. For a long time she just explained it away as you can't choose who you love. And that's all the justification she needed, to herself and her family. Or at least, they never mentioned anything to her face anymore.

She was bookish, nerdy even, some would say. She prided herself on being meticulous and organised. She was put together and knew exactly what she wanted out of life. She tried her best to fight for justice for all. She was a powerhouse really. Many tried to figure out what made her tick. Most brilliant witch of her age they said.

But alas, the most brilliant witch of her age was also only a girl. A girl who, despite thoughts to the contrary, longed for companionship and yes, even love.

It was his loyalty that appealed to her at first. They didn't have anything remotely in common after all, save for Harry. But she had seen his fierce loyalty to his best friend. He would defend Harry to the others. He had even defended her on occasion, once he considered her a friend. He had a blunt frankness about him as well. He said what he thought. Despite his less than stellar ability to actually think before he spoke, at least when he did speak, it was with honesty. Honesty and loyalty weren't bad qualities in a partner.

He was also a cheerful person in general. He would often lighten the mood when things were getting too tense or too stressful. Given her rigid personality he seemed to be a good complement. A reality check that the world wasn't literally on her shoulders (that was probably Harry's burden in all fairness).

And if his goofy grin gave her butterflies, well that was for her knowledge only.

She had hidden her burgeoning affections quite well. Too well apparently. Especially considering how thick he could be.

She had hoped he would ask her to the Yule ball but apparently he hadn't even thought of her until the last minute when there wasn't anyone else he deemed acceptable available. She couldn't deny, to herself and Ginny at least, how much it hurt watching them search for dates without even considering her.

She was quite glad she had accepted Viktor's shy invitation. It was the first time she had acknowledged to herself how nice it was to be receiving someone's affection for once. But sadly, it was unfair to poor Viktor. For the attention was nice but hers was still elsewhere.

And the object of her affections seemed more likely to be interested in Mrs. Norris than in her.

At least, that's what she thought until he ruined her night and left her in tears. Well...the realisation came with hindsight that he might be jealous; at the time all she could think was that he was a grade A jerk.

In sixth year is when things really came to a head. He gained some confidence (overconfidence more like) and decided to hook up with Lavender Brown of all people. Someone who couldn't be more different from Hermione herself. She didn't know how she managed that year. She couldn't even be in the same room as them. All her reading couldn't prepare her for the reality of liking someone. The emotions roiled turbulently in her stomach; at that moment it was an ugly mix of jealousy, anger, resentment, and a deep sadness that she refused to acknowledge as her heart breaking. She didn't like how she acted that year. Thinking back on it she was a little ashamed really. But it was all a part of growing up and learning about yourself.

A little hope blossomed within her when he called out for her as he lay sick in the hospital wing. She had held his hand and he hadn't looked too upset to be rid of Lavender (again, she was a bit ashamed by her petty satisfaction at that fact. Lavender didn't deserve to be treated like that...she was just more openly affectionate than Hermione was and there was nothing wrong with that).

They had danced around each other for a while after that. It drove Harry mad. Then when it seemed that all might be lost, he had shown the kindness and consideration that she had wished for all along. Evacuate the house elves, he said, and she hadn't thought. She simply acted.

They say hindsight is 20/20. And she could definitely see clearer now.

The battle kiss was just that. A heat of the moment release that should have brought an end to the affections that had been bottled up, wanting to be set free for so long. But the length of those feelings made them both think they could make something of it.

So they did.

But now here she was a few short years later, realising that teenaged desires for love did not necessarily translate into a mature relationship. They still bickered just as much as before (once, she foolishly thought it was because they couldn't properly express their affections...but sometimes bickering doesn't have any deeper meaning, no hidden feeling...just truly opposing opinions). And their ideas of what they wanted out of life differed too much to make her believe that their paths lay together anymore. (His expression when she told him was breaking her heart. She didn't know if their friendship would survive this.) They shared more than half their lives together (youthful bodies they may have, but she felt as if she had lived several lifetimes already) and that was no easy thing to let go. But it had to be done. If she had thought falling in love with him was hard, she hadn't realised how hard it would be to fall out of love.

Love...she still loved him. He was her friend. Her companion. Her first love.

But not her last.

Loving him had been great while it lasted. It taught her many things about herself. It made her realise what she truly wanted. What she had to offer. She couldn't deny that through their relationship her emotional intelligence had only grown. And as sad as it was, it was a learning experience for her more than anything. It was a stepping stone in the right direction. And one day, she might once again find someone with whom she'd fall in love. Next time though, she'd make sure she did it right.

After all, she knew all about falling in love.

It was the falling _out_ that she couldn't manage.


End file.
